Lauren (blackjedii) wrote in ontd_football,
Lauren
blackjedii
ontd_football

BEEJ'S GUIDE TO EPL PT 1

Th
English Premier League or alternatively Barclay's Premier League is the #1 most watched league in the world and considered the best. Why? Because it has stars and is very competitive but actually a lot of it has to do more with the fact that it being English and all makes it very easy for people throughout the world to follow (have you tried watching Bundesliga without knowing German?) and the mix of players throughout the world means that there will be at least one person from your country to support somewheres.

It is by no means the ONLY league in England. There are hella lotta leagues in England. But with the way the leagues are tiered you have to be ze best of ze best to compete in this one.

HOW IT WORKS:
20 teams compete for 9 months of the year (Aug - May) and the Germans win. As with the WC, leagues are graded on points. You get three points for winning, one point for a tie, and no points for a loss. At the end of the league the bottom three teams are relegated, the top four teams get to play in Champions League next year (#5 gets to go to a qualification stage with other runners-up), the next few down get to go to Europa League and the team with the most points obviously wins the league.

To be relegated means to be dropped down to the next-tier league. The top three of the next-tier-down get "promoted" to EPL each season.

In case it's not obvious - the above is very important because... money, duh. You get a lot more money due to air rights and advertising (your games being shown all over the world) so getting relegated is bad. You get money for participating in Champions League and you obvs get bragging rights for winning the league.


TEH TEAMS:
1) MANCHESTER UNITED

Nickname - The Red Devils (not to be confused with Belgain NT's) you can also call them Man United but do not call then Man U because tragic plane crash.
FAMOUS PLAYERS: Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie, David Beckham, Chicharito (first Mexican 2 play for the club), Edwin van der Sar, Ryan Giggs, this could take a while folks.
KNOWN FOR: Sir Alex Ferguson was the longest-serving coach in the EPL and was considered a God among men. He got a lot of trophies for this team. A hlot.

He was also known for his famous hairdryer from hell which he'd whip out during halftime when his team failed to be awesome. The current whereabouts of the hairdryer are not known though, especially as last season David Moyes misplaced it and was fired for not getting a new shiny one. In his place is Louis van Gaal, who probably skipped the hairdryer entirely and is instead bringing a flamethrower from the third ring of the underworld. This is also the team that spawned David Beckham, who back in the (very late) 90s and onwards was THE face of the sport and its celebrity culture.


WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT THEM: Statistically speaking something like idk, 10% of the world's population is a fan of Manchester United. So if you are a newbie they are a safe team to go for and one that is easy to follow as they dominate everything. United is a team that is expected to win more of then than not.
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPORT THEM: IF EVERYONE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE WOULD YOU?
YOU SHOULD LIKE: The color red, embarrassing defeats and serious wins
YOU SHOULD HATE: The color light blue, Manchester City

2) MANCHESTER CITY

Nickname - Man City, The Sky Blues (not The Royal Blues we have already talked about them thx), The Citizens
FAMOUS PLAYERS - Joe Hart (and his arse), Vincent Kompany, Carlos Tevez, Mario Balotelli, Mancini's blue and white scarves
KNOWN FOR: Being owned by Middle Eastern oil company, blue blue blue, being a pain in United's arse, building a GIANT INFLATABLE SLIDE FOR EVERYONE TO USE YAY!!! Wimblydon the cat used to live at City's stadium


WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT THEM: It's fun to troll United fans that way, they are a fairly successful team without having Big Name Players, and they had a cat it was fluffy and adorable
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPORT THEM: Most of their success has come through massive spending sprees more so than anything. Also the cat died (RIP) and Mancini is no longer around to wear his trademark scarf each week.

YOU SHOULD LIKE: Middle Eastern oil, Oasis, light blue
YOU SHOULD HATE: Red and that other Manchester team

3) LIVERPOOL

Nickname: The Reds, Liverpool,
FAMOUS PLAYERS: Steven Gerrard, Kenny Daglish, the team in general
KNOWN FOR: history. So much history. Back in the day Liverpool was the most winningest team of the teams. That said, in the 80s footy was a much wilder place and considered a 'hooligan' sport and frowned upon. During one game people were crowded into a stadium and between dehydration, panic, and overcrowding fencing collapsed and 96 people died. The police did nothing to assist until they had to acknowledge they had a full-blown crisis on their hands and it isn't until recently that the police (largely defended and hushed up by some lady named Margaret Thatcher) were held culpable for not managing the situation and instead dismissing it as hooliganism. Hence the phrase "Justice for the 96" and the song "You'll Never Walk Alone."
With that said this put a focus on better safety regulations and a more family friendly atmosphere helped us come to the EPL we know and get routinely frustrated by today. If there is any footy-related story you plan to know about it should probably be the Hillsborough Disaster.


WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT THEM: Their current manager, Brendan Rodgers, is a DILF and has done a great job in getting Liverpool more competitive, almost ALMOST getting them the league last season. They are one of the classic teams even though their victories have been dry lately.
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPORT THEM: Not exactly on a winning streak here.

YOU SHOULD LIKE: At least learn the lyrics of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' because you will sing it. Also like red. Like - I work at Target and wear red polos all of ze time.
YOU SHOULD HATE: Margaret Thatcher and the police (for good reason)


okay folksies I will continue later! I AM GOING TO THE BED!
Tags: league: english premier league (epl), mod post
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