mimi-rose~ (hi_mimi) wrote in ontd_football,


From Nani to Narnia, no theory is left unturned as Giles Smith asks who damaged the Manchester United dressing-room wall.

As you all know, a hole was left in the wall of Manchester United's Wembley dressing room following their semi-final FA Cup defeat to Manchester City last week. Many theories have been put forward to explain the origin of the hole for which Untied have been forced to pay a £50 fine. This morning, Times newspaper correspondent Giles Smith came up with seven possible scenarios so I though I'd share (they're worth a giggle or two...)

A freshly showered Javier Hernández asked Michael Carrick if he could borrow his Lynx Twist. Carrick agreed and lobbed the canister of deodorant across the room. Unfortunately, the Mexico forward was unable to reach it and the deodorant struck the wall, with immense force, 54 times in rapid succession, leaving a circular hole in the plasterboard three inches in diameter, for which United were later obliged to apologise to Wembley.

Immediately after the match, Nemanja Vidic became aware of a scrabbling behind the skirting board where he was sitting and decided to investigate, using the heel of his boot. “I feared an infestation of mice,” the 29-year-old Serb reported, “and I figured I could save the stadium the price of a Rentokil call-out.”

To circumvent a management ban on Tweeting from the dressing room, a desperate Rio Ferdinand had put in place a complex system wherein he would hastily write his messages in Ralgex on sheets of lavatory paper, which he would then post at approximately 30-second intervals through a small hole, chewed by a trained squirrel 24 hours before United’s arrival at Wembley. A ballboy was deputed to collect the lavatory paper on the other side of the wall and upload its contents via Blackberry. The former England captain had privately explained his conduct as follows: “Without the oxygen of Twitter, I die.”

During Sir Alex Ferguson’s half-time team talk, a bored Chris Smalling attempted to tunnel out using a plastic drinks stirrer. John O’Shea was deployed to stamp his feet on the ground and hum to cover the noise of Smalling’s digging. Smalling had also cleverly positioned Ryan Giggs’s sponge bag at the entrance to the tunnel to gather the soil, with a view to disposing of it in the bathroom later. At the point of his discovery, Smalling had reached a point 44 yards beyond the stadium’s perimeter, somewhere under car park D2, and was about to commence his final and potentially perilous strike upwards. Unfortunately, at that point, the bell rang for the second half and everyone had to go out again.
“The hidden door leading to the secret cave containing the stolen treasure must be here somewhere,” Sir Alex gasped. “But how will we ever find it?” Dimitar Berbatov sighed as Mike Phelan barked and wagged his tail excitedly. “If we tap on the wall, we’ll be able to hear where it’s hollow,” Sir Alex said. “But we’ll have to tap again and again and again . . .”
Wayne Rooney pushed past the folds of the Manchester United jacket on its hanger, and kept on pushing. It was dark but he could feel the clothes brush against his cheek. On and on he went, farther and farther. Suddenly, the air grew cold and his footsteps began to crunch softly and squeak. “Hello!” said Mr Tumnus.
Source. Who do you think in responsible for the hole? Wayne Rooney? Sir Alex himself? A host of recent Premier League referees?
Tags: club: manchester united, dimitar berbatov, fa cup, footballers gone wild, shaking and crying, sir alex ferguson, wank...wank everywhere, wayne rooney

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