Feliz Cumpleaños, Gonzalo Gerardo Higuaín, aka El Pipita, aka el amor de mi vida!
ONCE UPON A TIME...
Pipita, our Argentine Prince, started out his early footballing days with a curly fro and bad teeth at River Plate, where he looked like this on most days:
But no one cared because even then, he was already scoring on the pitch:
Even though he was a little sad because he wasn’t really getting any off the pitch yet...
no pedobear 4 u, Pipa!
He tamed the curly fro into some slick gelled locks and joined Real Madrid in 2007:
He enjoyed all sorts of good times in the early days, like
chillaxin’ on swank couches
meeting celebs... in wax form
and buying ill-fitting suits and the oblig tacky luggage
He stayed slightly ugly and awkward because he knew if he unleashed his hotness onto the masses, no one could handle it! But eventually, it became evident that Pipita was cockblocking his teammates and, in order for him to be a better wingman, some of them were like, "Gonzalo, I think you need to fix your teeth and get a haircut."
At first, he was like
But he got the haircut anyway, and as a result, a whole new world was opened to him!
He bonded with his teammates!
Got a better suit!
Picked out lots of black v-neck shirts!
And some fucking sweet purple sweaters!
Even some scarves and a million black jackets!
He bought hot button-up shirts.
And some graphs.
He started hanging out with Serhio Ramo too much and picked up this unfortunate manbag to match his ugly luggage... er... moving on...
As always, he is gracious to his fans, always willing to sign autographs and shirts.
He is nice to the press.
And in his free time, he likes to
Spend time with his family!
And more recently, tweet from his Blackberry!
Thankfully for all of humankind, Pipita has perfected the art of using twitter to troll for
Some people think he’s only into blonde whores with fake boobs, but I know that’s not true, cos one time, he said to me, "Amanda, hola bonita, tenes MSN?"
And I said, "Let’s skip MSN and you can have early birthday sex." He said, "Okay" (but in Spanish, so it was sexy)
First he eye fucked me a little
And then he listened to Kanye’s "New Workout Plan" to get dem abs
I said okay u can have birthday sex and this bitch thought it was Christmas!
So he started stripping off dem clothes...
He’s adventurous cos he reads the Kama Sutra
I even said, "For this special occasion, we can do an eiffel tower with a Real Madrid teammate of your choice." He immediately become very excited and got into position
Naturally, he wanted a fellow Argentine, and so he first chose Eze:
(bitch still thinks it’s Christmas?!)
But I said, nothing against him, but I can has this instead?
And it went so well, the next day he was like
But even better than his prowess in the bedroom, he’s a threat on the pitch. Some of his goals have had grown men acting like this
when he scores.
He’s earned the unswerving devotion of the merengue masses through being a hard worker and dedicated. He’s not the most technically gifted player, and he’s had his fair share of criticism. But he’s got an intangible quality that I admire so much in players: he puts his heart and soul into every single game, always giving 110% when he’s on the pitch. He doesn’t talk a lot in the press unless asked direct questions - and when he does, he’s always humble and gracious. He does his talking in front of the goal. I’m not going to lay out a bunch of statistics here because those are easy to find elsewhere, and any n00b who doesn’t know what a great player he is and how much he’s done for his club can use Sir Google and Youtube to look up some of his amazing goals. (Oh yes, I’ve watched throughout the years, I’ve watched!) Although he’s been overshadowed by the high calibre of strikers at Real Madrid, he’s more important than ever to the club these days. I’m not a Madridista (ahem) or an Argentina NT fan in the slightest, but I love this man, and I always will.
I wanted to compile a list of 23 reasons why I love Pipita, since it’s his 23rd birthday, but I think I’ve just said enough.
Now, enough of that mushy shit, I know what u came for...
Oh yes, that glorious, firm, round, perfect ass. Don’t get me wrong, Pipita has other great features, like his abs, eyelashes, smile (yes, even his slightly jacked up teeth, okay?!)
But nothing beats that booty. I started my own hashtag on twitter #pipitabootycoma, which I think sums up what you will be in by the end of this post. And now, enjoy an ASSpecially put together spam for this BOOTYful man:
that’s his O face
mmm Pipita i see dem thighs like whoa
look at the curvature D:
o how did u get in this post?
that football has a Pipita booty radar just like me
i just wanna squeeze that tush
mmmm my fave
If u read all the way to the bottom of this, u get a gold star and a heartfelt haiku I composed for mi amor:
the angels will weep
if you let me touch dat ass
i’m changing panties
c’est fini, now...
sources & thanks: many, many hours on lj and tumblr and other scary corners of the web. some pics and gifs from melj1213, sashaj22, and I have saved a zillion RM match gifs from albion_lass so she deserves thanks as well <3